I'm happy now

I was thinking lately about all bad or sad things that happened to me, starting with my grandma's death. Usually it's making me feel really depressed, but not this time. Something changed. I think it's because I'm really happy. Honestly and fully. I've spend a lot of time with Josh, which is always making me feel really happy, secured for some reason and most of all loved. The way he looks at me is magical. I felt like he's studying me and my body. He's so caring. I can't stop thinking about him, his touch, his eyes. About things he's saying or texting. I'm closing my eyes and I see it all again in my head. I can still feel his fingers. He's the best thing that happened to me. I don't even want to know how my life would have looked like without him. He's making everything easier and better. He helped me to go through April. He took my mind off the things I would have thought about all the time. I believe he's making me a better person. I'm so fucking happy to have him and I really won't let go of him that easily. And the thoughts about all the things that we can do... Can't wait for all of it. But for now I want to be supportive for him, because I'm sure it's really hard to go through this breakup. I'll wait as long as he needs me to wait for him to be ready. He's worth waiting. 

Overwhelming

I feel like lately I had a lot of these days, when I feel too many different things. But it's different than mood swings. When I have them, the emotions keep changing. Lately I noticed I feel a lot of different things at the same time, which is really overwhelming, because I can't really say how I feel. People keep asking Are you okay?, and I don't really know what to say. It's like I feel both happy and angry at the same time, or sad and cheerful. So I'm always trying to trick my own mind, by saying I'm good, or Okay. But the truth is I feel everything at the same moment. Maybe it's just because of April, being a hard time for me every year. Thinking about all things that happened, it keeps making me feel even more overwhelmed. There's one thing that helps me go through all of it. Talking with Josh is making me not to think about the past. With Nika as well, but lately I've been talking with her a little bit less. Sometimes I just think she doesn't really want to listen. But she's too nice to stop me. I don't feel sad about it, because I know that I can count on her, when I'll need her. The thing is - even when I talk about sad or upsetting things with Josh, it's not making me feel like shit. That's super weird and I think never happened to me before. He keeps my mind busy thinking about other things, even if they're confusing or difficult to deal with.

Florence released new single today and while I was opening the link to the video, I started crying and shaking. Why? Because I knew it's a closing of one era and an opening of another, and it's not about music. It's about my life and my past. Since she released her last album in 2015 my life changed dramatically. I had my ups and downs. Ups at the beginning, when I've seen hope for myself to be happy. I had loving friends, I forgot about my dark times and I was cheerful again. Then after one year everything changed again and I had more sad days since then. I've lost almost all my friends, I left Poland to start new life in UK, I became this whole new person, but I didn't know my life will change that much. Now I can see hope again for being happy. It's still hiding somewhere in the dark corner, waiting for me to reach it out. I know before my happiness wasn't lasting for long, but this time I believe it will stay with me. This new single actually made me feel even more overwhelmed. Can't really explain why.

And shit. It's 13th of Friday! I can bet something really bad will happen to me! Can't wait to deal with it as I still remain lion hearted girl!