Overwhelming

I feel like lately I had a lot of these days, when I feel too many different things. But it's different than mood swings. When I have them, the emotions keep changing. Lately I noticed I feel a lot of different things at the same time, which is really overwhelming, because I can't really say how I feel. People keep asking Are you okay?, and I don't really know what to say. It's like I feel both happy and angry at the same time, or sad and cheerful. So I'm always trying to trick my own mind, by saying I'm good, or Okay. But the truth is I feel everything at the same moment. Maybe it's just because of April, being a hard time for me every year. Thinking about all things that happened, it keeps making me feel even more overwhelmed. There's one thing that helps me go through all of it. Talking with Josh is making me not to think about the past. With Nika as well, but lately I've been talking with her a little bit less. Sometimes I just think she doesn't really want to listen. But she's too nice to stop me. I don't feel sad about it, because I know that I can count on her, when I'll need her. The thing is - even when I talk about sad or upsetting things with Josh, it's not making me feel like shit. That's super weird and I think never happened to me before. He keeps my mind busy thinking about other things, even if they're confusing or difficult to deal with.

Florence released new single today and while I was opening the link to the video, I started crying and shaking. Why? Because I knew it's a closing of one era and an opening of another, and it's not about music. It's about my life and my past. Since she released her last album in 2015 my life changed dramatically. I had my ups and downs. Ups at the beginning, when I've seen hope for myself to be happy. I had loving friends, I forgot about my dark times and I was cheerful again. Then after one year everything changed again and I had more sad days since then. I've lost almost all my friends, I left Poland to start new life in UK, I became this whole new person, but I didn't know my life will change that much. Now I can see hope again for being happy. It's still hiding somewhere in the dark corner, waiting for me to reach it out. I know before my happiness wasn't lasting for long, but this time I believe it will stay with me. This new single actually made me feel even more overwhelmed. Can't really explain why.

And shit. It's 13th of Friday! I can bet something really bad will happen to me! Can't wait to deal with it as I still remain lion hearted girl!

About Florence

You don't have to understand me. You don't have to agree with me. I just want to explain why I'm so crazy about some ginger singer.
She looks a little bit like man, doesn't she? Is she beautiful? No? Imagine it's you. That people say you look like a man even if you're a woman. How would you feel, knowing that no-one is attracted to you, because of your appearance. I'd felt pretty bad. Sad. Unloved. Alone. She did. Not because of her appearance. Your appearance shouldn't be the reason of your misery.

Depression hit me first, when my grandma died one day before my 12th birthday. But anyway I was always really cheerful, funny and charismatic. I shut down all my feelings and I hadn't cried for almost 3 years. I thought it's nothing. But then our friend's dad died. We went to his funeral. I am really creative and my imagination sometimes scares me. In one second I imagined that in the coffin, there's my dad. Or mum. Or my grandma again. I started crying. And I cried for three hours. I was broken. Totally. I didn't know how to walk, talk or think. I was just crying. It was just the beginning of this very long, truly depressive journey. 

When I was 14 year old I fell in love with my friend. I was hiding my feelings, because I didn't want to ruin everything. But he found out anyway. And he left me. Disappeared from my life. A boy, who meant everything to me. In my heart, there was only a place for him. No-one else. Even if I had another friend, she wasn't him. I was really sad, alone and I felt abandoned. He left me when I needed him the most, because my whole life was falling apart. Of course he didn't know. In October 2014 I almost jump off the cliff and slit my wrists. Almost, because I only thought about making one more step, or taking the knife. These thoughts were with me for a long time. And then he came back. But still, I felt bad and sad. Again, he didn't knew. I thought I don't love him anymore, because of what he did. But even then I couldn't resist his charm. He used it against me. It was just a game. He was putting his hand on my lap, and asking higher or lower? His touch was burning my skin but I couldn't resist to say higher. And I did so. I've never been brave or bold. Shy and innocent? Yes. So I finally said stop. We were doing this in the bus. It was just a game. I thought I like this, but then he texted me to play it again with sending pictures. I didn't want to be shy anymore, so I agreed. We played till I showed him my pussy, and he showed me his penis. I thought it will change something in our relationship. Maybe that's why I was doing it. And not even one week later he was threatening me to show this pictures to everyone. I was so scared of being called a slut or a whore. I was living in fear for almost half a year, till we finished middle school. In pretty the same time Florence + The Machine had their concert in Poland. I couldn't been there, but I was watching it on live stream. I knew her before, but because of all that happened to me that year, I started listening to her more then ever. I finally had a chance to start again. Florence helped me with her music to understand my sadness, depression and mood swings. She cured me. She saved me. When I was going through her lyrics, it was like reading about your own life. U