Overwhelming

I feel like lately I had a lot of these days, when I feel too many different things. But it's different than mood swings. When I have them, the emotions keep changing. Lately I noticed I feel a lot of different things at the same time, which is really overwhelming, because I can't really say how I feel. People keep asking Are you okay?, and I don't really know what to say. It's like I feel both happy and angry at the same time, or sad and cheerful. So I'm always trying to trick my own mind, by saying I'm good, or Okay. But the truth is I feel everything at the same moment. Maybe it's just because of April, being a hard time for me every year. Thinking about all things that happened, it keeps making me feel even more overwhelmed. There's one thing that helps me go through all of it. Talking with Josh is making me not to think about the past. With Nika as well, but lately I've been talking with her a little bit less. Sometimes I just think she doesn't really want to listen. But she's too nice to stop me. I don't feel sad about it, because I know that I can count on her, when I'll need her. The thing is - even when I talk about sad or upsetting things with Josh, it's not making me feel like shit. That's super weird and I think never happened to me before. He keeps my mind busy thinking about other things, even if they're confusing or difficult to deal with.

Florence released new single today and while I was opening the link to the video, I started crying and shaking. Why? Because I knew it's a closing of one era and an opening of another, and it's not about music. It's about my life and my past. Since she released her last album in 2015 my life changed dramatically. I had my ups and downs. Ups at the beginning, when I've seen hope for myself to be happy. I had loving friends, I forgot about my dark times and I was cheerful again. Then after one year everything changed again and I had more sad days since then. I've lost almost all my friends, I left Poland to start new life in UK, I became this whole new person, but I didn't know my life will change that much. Now I can see hope again for being happy. It's still hiding somewhere in the dark corner, waiting for me to reach it out. I know before my happiness wasn't lasting for long, but this time I believe it will stay with me. This new single actually made me feel even more overwhelmed. Can't really explain why.

And shit. It's 13th of Friday! I can bet something really bad will happen to me! Can't wait to deal with it as I still remain lion hearted girl!

Being loved

I don't know how it's possible, that my life is changing so often. And it's always a big change. This time I feel like my heart drifted away from me and attached to someone else. This someone else is Josh. I never thought it will end up like this. I feel the connection between two of us. We are talking everyday for couple of hours and even then we still have something to talk about. I love it. I feel like I can talk to him about everything and I know he feels the same. Everyone at work is getting jelous of our friendship. Nell and Wallace mostly. I don't even know what I feel right now, but things he's telling me are so warm for my heart. I feel like it's heating up again, to finally be able to love someone. But we have a problem. He has a girlfriend. They've been together for 6 years and I know it's a long time. So I'm confused what's going on. We are flirting for hours, trying to get to know each other even more. But I still have this thought in my head that it's not right, because he has Kayleigh. He's giving me signs that he likes me much more than he should, but I don't know what to do about it. I know for sure that if they won't be together anymore I would make a move. But for now I will just be the best friend he can actually have. Things he's saying are making me happy. Sometimes I can catch myself thinking about our conversations and just smiling, laughing or biting my lips. I'm glad I have him as a friend, but the problem is I think I will start having even stronger feelings for him. He did said that I seduced him. But what does it mean for him? If he will make a move I'll probably go for it. But then I know I will still be thinking about his girlfriend. Even though I feel like I'm being loved by him. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling.

I just don't understand why I'm always falling for guys who are not available? Is it my thing? I really believe he's my soulmate. But does he thinks the same? Don't know yet. He's caring and he's really listening to me. He's a giver, a carer and a sharer. He's perfect. So why he can't be single? Then I would finally put my feelings into someone who's actually available for me. I know in some way he's attracted to me. The way he's talking about me... It's magical. Like all my sorrows are going away immadiately. I don't want to listen to anyone else. Just him. And I know he loves talking to me. If I'll see that he's giving me hints he would like to try to start something with me, I won't do anything till he's with Kayleigh. It's just not right. Now it's hard not to make the wrong move.

Or he doesn't like me that much as I think and he just wants me for his threesome. Thinking about it on the seaside didn't helped me to figure it out. Maybe this will. But for now I won't make a move. Not until I will see a green light. I don't want to ruin this friendship. After all I can live with another friend who I truly love but can't be with, right? I just hope I won't be hurt. Or that he won't break me like Patryk did many years ago. But right now I think I can be fixed. Finally.

The Kiss

I like kissing people. Kissing is a really good feeling. I remember my first kiss with Alex. I was devastated. I wanted to keep the first kiss for someone special. And I didn't because I was drunk. Being drunk equals not saying no to a kiss, for me. I know this. And people know this. And that's bad. I don't want to be known from kissing random people in the clubs or at the house parties. I just don't want to be known as a slut. Because I'm not like this. It really hurt me when Caleb said I'm a horny bitch and a cunt. I really like him, but I'm not sure in what kind of way. I like when he's looking at me, while he's dancing. I like when he's letting me rest on his arm. I like when he kisses me. I like when he's asking me to kiss with him. I like how cute he's sometimes. I like the way he's talking with me, when no one is around. I like him. And I don't want him to think that I'm a slut or a horny bitch.

I know that when I'm drinking, slutty mode turns on. But I won't kiss with everyone then. I will make nasty jokes, maybe even promise to do something spicy, but I would never do any of this if I don't like the guy. I'm keeping it for special people. At the moment I don't even know what I feel. Because I'm not mad, upset or jelous. I think I'm just confused. And I almost had a panic attack. I knew it's coming, so I went out of Caleb's room and sat down on the stairway, trying to breath properly. After 10 minutes I was fine, but still couldn't breath normally so I just went back to my room, got naked and took shower. A lot of things are happening now and I just really wish it's Monday already. I want to go back home and have a break from all of this. From people. From friends. From being drunk most the times. I just really want to see my family, pets, friends, twins and Gosia and all these people I left in Poland for such a long time. I just need a rest. Too many things happened lately. I'm exhausted being a student. Student life is not that easy. I was forced to make a lot of choices too early in my opinion. 

Sadness

Being sad is nothing to be ashamed or worried about. Sadness is important in our life. Because after, it comes katharsis. I am sad right now, when I'm writing this around 4am. There are a lot of things that can make me sad. It's actually everything. Right now it's because I feel like my friend doesn't appreciate how much effort I'm putting into our friendship to make it normal after all the things that happened. He excluded me from our group and it hurt my feelings. I feel like he doesn't care at all. Like I'm losing him. Like he doesn't want to be my friend. And in my opinion there is nothing worse than thinking like this. But I'm not feeling like crying or having panic attack. I just feel sad. And I know it's okay. What bothers me is, why the hell I feel sad almost all the time? Since I'm here, I was sad more than I should be. I felt sad, when he didn't want to help me when I had my first panic attack ever. I felt sad, when Ana and Weronika told him that they know about this. I felt sad, when he was avoiding and ignoring me. I felt sad, when I found out that he lied to me again. I felt sad everytime I had a fight with my mum. I felt sad, when she told me, that her problem with back is something big and serious. I felt sad, when I've heard Silk, Don't Delete The Kisses and Blush live on Wolf Alice gig. I felt sad, when he actually deleted me from Snapchat. And I feel sad now, when he didn't thought about me, when he planned a Pub Quiz Night. I feel really sad, because I can't talk to him about this. Because it will make me look like I'm a drama queen. I feel sad, because everytime I think I'm fine again, something happens. Even a little thing. Like this one. I just want to know why my life is so complicated. Have I done something bad? Wrong? Inapropriate? I just really want to know. Is it me, or people around me? Maybe it's their fault, that my life is such a mess with ups and downs all the time. I feel sad about this as well. Because whatever I'll do, things will get worse. Like now. I was trying to be friendly at the begining of the week. I bought him polish sweets, because he's always buying everything for us. I made smoothie for all of us. And I feel like he still may think that it's weird or that I have feelings for him. I have feelings for him. Him, Ana, Weronika, even Shanna, Sophia and Jevi. They're my friends. And I love them because they're supportive sometimes. The thing is - he's a big enigma for me. One day he's caring, like the day when there was an accident on Oxford Street and he was worried about me. That made me think that he's a real friend to me. And now he's done this. It's not unforgettable. But it hurts. A lot. And it's not fine. It's not fair that I'm hurt almost all the time. It's not fair I'm the only one that is hurt. I don't wish them to feel what I feel right now, but it's not right for me, that I'm so vulnerable and they don't see how it affects me. It's okay that I'm sad. I know that I need this. But I wish I won't be sadder. Because I know how it will end. And I don't want to be in that dark place again, that I've been for a long time. I just wish things will get better. I just hope my shooting star wish will came true. I want my life to be normal easier again.

1:30pm I feel like crying right now. I almost had a panic attack while coughing at the lecture. I have bad thoughts. I'm getting closer to my dark side. I don't want to go there. I feel like I just want to get naked again, lay on the blanket on the floor and cry. It's really bad. And I can't talk to anyone about this, because I'm sure I will start crying. Maybe it's just because I'm tired after 15hours trip with Paul and not sleeping for 26hours by now. And its just the beginning. I'm afraid. I'm scared. And I don't know what to do.

I hope my body gets better. Do I mean my body, or my mind?

Anger

It's hard to piss me off for real. Since I started uni in Portsmouth, I was pissed off too many times. Mostly because of Jacob, Ana and Nika. That's strange how pissed off you can be, because of people you care the most. The thing is - it's not that hard to make me feel angry when I'm drunk. Then I'm never sure how I will respond. Sometimes I'm responding in rage - like I did when I've talked to Jacob. He was avoiding me. He didn't want to spend time with me alone. He didn't even talked to me. It pissed me off when he called me his bro. How you can be somebody's bro if they're not even talking to you? I talked to him about this. And now I'm glad. Because finally I've said things I wanted to say, but was to shy or uncomfortable to say. But sometimes the talk doesn't solve problems. Sometimes it's making things worse. And that time it almost got worse, but I made really good decision. I decided not to talk with Jacob about how he lied to me after we talked at night. I decided to live with this fact. Even when he said some stuff to Munir I decided to stay calm and don't feel angry at him. I won't change him or his actions. I just really don't want to screw another relationship. I don't want Jacob to be my next Patryk. I don't want to be hurt like I was after we ended our friendship. It was the worst feeling ever. I don't want to act like nothing happened and I'm okay with lying behind my back and gossiping. I just want to be normal. Not make a deal from everything. I don't want to be drama queen. I won't say You're mean. I will stop making this angry eyes at him or girls. I will try not to bother about things like this. I won't pretend if things will get worse. It will kill me. But I can't make a big deal from everything. After threee months of living here with these people I know who I can trust or not. The funny thing is I can't trust my closest friends. Not entirely. That sucks. And it's unhealthy. But I have other friends to trust. Paula is one of them. Shanna, Sophia and Jevi as well. I can talk with them about everything.