Death

I think I'll never be ready to talk about it. Not for real. I'm to fragile to say all this stuff out loud. It would break me. But I need to write down some of this. We will never be ready to die. At least not me. And I'm not ready for dead of the loved ones. We all know it needs to happen, but we don't want to think about it too much.

I don't want to think about it. I can't even write it down.

All I can say is... That I'm scared. And I'll totally break if I will write all this stuff down now.

I'm sorry. But I just can't. I want to be fine again. Find my way to go back to being happy all the time. So... No death talk for now.

Hopefully I will never finish this post.

The Kiss

I like kissing people. Kissing is a really good feeling. I remember my first kiss with Alex. I was devastated. I wanted to keep the first kiss for someone special. And I didn't because I was drunk. Being drunk equals not saying no to a kiss, for me. I know this. And people know this. And that's bad. I don't want to be known from kissing random people in the clubs or at the house parties. I just don't want to be known as a slut. Because I'm not like this. It really hurt me when Caleb said I'm a horny bitch and a cunt. I really like him, but I'm not sure in what kind of way. I like when he's looking at me, while he's dancing. I like when he's letting me rest on his arm. I like when he kisses me. I like when he's asking me to kiss with him. I like how cute he's sometimes. I like the way he's talking with me, when no one is around. I like him. And I don't want him to think that I'm a slut or a horny bitch.

I know that when I'm drinking, slutty mode turns on. But I won't kiss with everyone then. I will make nasty jokes, maybe even promise to do something spicy, but I would never do any of this if I don't like the guy. I'm keeping it for special people. At the moment I don't even know what I feel. Because I'm not mad, upset or jelous. I think I'm just confused. And I almost had a panic attack. I knew it's coming, so I went out of Caleb's room and sat down on the stairway, trying to breath properly. After 10 minutes I was fine, but still couldn't breath normally so I just went back to my room, got naked and took shower. A lot of things are happening now and I just really wish it's Monday already. I want to go back home and have a break from all of this. From people. From friends. From being drunk most the times. I just really want to see my family, pets, friends, twins and Gosia and all these people I left in Poland for such a long time. I just need a rest. Too many things happened lately. I'm exhausted being a student. Student life is not that easy. I was forced to make a lot of choices too early in my opinion. 

My deepest fears

I have a lot of fears. Fear of death, drowning, being an alcohol addict, being unsuccessful, being alone, losing a friend... But my deepest fear is that I won't be able to have kids. It sounds crazy and weird. I'm only 19 years old and my deepest fear is being infertile. I know that I want kids. I want them so much, I can't wait to meet the right guy. It's a bit too early say that it's my maternal instinct, but every time I see kids I am imagining myself being a mother. Of course, it's mostly terrifying, but it's also something beautiful. But you need to find the right moment. I know that right now it's not the best time to have a baby. I just started studying at uni. I haven't met anyone worth my heart. My family have spend lot of money to let me study abroad. That's why I'm worried. The thing that I've done wasn't intercourse, but anyway he was there. For seconds, but he was. And now, sitting on my bed, writing this post, I hope that I actually got my period. That I don't have to go to NHS. That everything is fine. Deep inside I'm still worried. I mean, I will be delighted if I will find out that I'm pregnant. But not right now. Not with a random guy from Navy. Not in this way. But it can happen one day. It really can. I actually hope that this day will come not in 5 years, but maybe even less. The thought of waiting that long is making me sad. Kids are making me happy. They deserve my full love. And I know that one day I'll handle being a mom. I just need to be careful, because other way, I will have another fear. Getting pregnant while studying here. And I know I'm not this kind of girl, who will just do this with random guys. This time it was an exception. 

She wants the silence but fears the solitude

About Florence

You don't have to understand me. You don't have to agree with me. I just want to explain why I'm so crazy about some ginger singer.
She looks a little bit like man, doesn't she? Is she beautiful? No? Imagine it's you. That people say you look like a man even if you're a woman. How would you feel, knowing that no-one is attracted to you, because of your appearance. I'd felt pretty bad. Sad. Unloved. Alone. She did. Not because of her appearance. Your appearance shouldn't be the reason of your misery.

Depression hit me first, when my grandma died one day before my 12th birthday. But anyway I was always really cheerful, funny and charismatic. I shut down all my feelings and I hadn't cried for almost 3 years. I thought it's nothing. But then our friend's dad died. We went to his funeral. I am really creative and my imagination sometimes scares me. In one second I imagined that in the coffin, there's my dad. Or mum. Or my grandma again. I started crying. And I cried for three hours. I was broken. Totally. I didn't know how to walk, talk or think. I was just crying. It was just the beginning of this very long, truly depressive journey. 

When I was 14 year old I fell in love with my friend. I was hiding my feelings, because I didn't want to ruin everything. But he found out anyway. And he left me. Disappeared from my life. A boy, who meant everything to me. In my heart, there was only a place for him. No-one else. Even if I had another friend, she wasn't him. I was really sad, alone and I felt abandoned. He left me when I needed him the most, because my whole life was falling apart. Of course he didn't know. In October 2014 I almost jump off the cliff and slit my wrists. Almost, because I only thought about making one more step, or taking the knife. These thoughts were with me for a long time. And then he came back. But still, I felt bad and sad. Again, he didn't knew. I thought I don't love him anymore, because of what he did. But even then I couldn't resist his charm. He used it against me. It was just a game. He was putting his hand on my lap, and asking higher or lower? His touch was burning my skin but I couldn't resist to say higher. And I did so. I've never been brave or bold. Shy and innocent? Yes. So I finally said stop. We were doing this in the bus. It was just a game. I thought I like this, but then he texted me to play it again with sending pictures. I didn't want to be shy anymore, so I agreed. We played till I showed him my pussy, and he showed me his penis. I thought it will change something in our relationship. Maybe that's why I was doing it. And not even one week later he was threatening me to show this pictures to everyone. I was so scared of being called a slut or a whore. I was living in fear for almost half a year, till we finished middle school. In pretty the same time Florence + The Machine had their concert in Poland. I couldn't been there, but I was watching it on live stream. I knew her before, but because of all that happened to me that year, I started listening to her more then ever. I finally had a chance to start again. Florence helped me with her music to understand my sadness, depression and mood swings. She cured me. She saved me. When I was going through her lyrics, it was like reading about your own life. U