She looks a little bit like man, doesn't she? Is she beautiful? No? Imagine it's you. That people say you look like a man even if you're a woman. How would you feel, knowing that no-one is attracted to you, because of your appearance. I'd felt pretty bad. Sad. Unloved. Alone. She did. Not because of her appearance. Your appearance shouldn't be the reason of your misery.
Depression hit me first, when my grandma died one day before my 12th birthday. But anyway I was always really cheerful, funny and charismatic. I shut down all my feelings and I hadn't cried for almost 3 years. I thought it's nothing. But then our friend's dad died. We went to his funeral. I am really creative and my imagination sometimes scares me. In one second I imagined that in the coffin, there's my dad. Or mum. Or my grandma again. I started crying. And I cried for three hours. I was broken. Totally. I didn't know how to walk, talk or think. I was just crying. It was just the beginning of this very long, truly depressive journey.
When I was 14 year old I fell in love with my friend. I was hiding my feelings, because I didn't want to ruin everything. But he found out anyway. And he left me. Disappeared from my life. A boy, who meant everything to me. In my heart, there was only a place for him. No-one else. Even if I had another friend, she wasn't him. I was really sad, alone and I felt abandoned. He left me when I needed him the most, because my whole life was falling apart. Of course he didn't know. In October 2014 I almost jump off the cliff and slit my wrists. Almost, because I only thought about making one more step, or taking the knife. These thoughts were with me for a long time. And then he came back. But still, I felt bad and sad. Again, he didn't knew. I thought I don't love him anymore, because of what he did. But even then I couldn't resist his charm. He used it against me. It was just a game. He was putting his hand on my lap, and asking higher or lower? His touch was burning my skin but I couldn't resist to say higher. And I did so. I've never been brave or bold. Shy and innocent? Yes. So I finally said stop. We were doing this in the bus. It was just a game. I thought I like this, but then he texted me to play it again with sending pictures. I didn't want to be shy anymore, so I agreed. We played till I showed him my pussy, and he showed me his penis. I thought it will change something in our relationship. Maybe that's why I was doing it. And not even one week later he was threatening me to show this pictures to everyone. I was so scared of being called a slut or a whore. I was living in fear for almost half a year, till we finished middle school. In pretty the same time Florence + The Machine had their concert in Poland. I couldn't been there, but I was watching it on live stream. I knew her before, but because of all that happened to me that year, I started listening to her more then ever. I finally had a chance to start again. Florence helped me with her music to understand my sadness, depression and mood swings. She cured me. She saved me. When I was going through her lyrics, it was like reading about your own life. U
