Sadness

Being sad is nothing to be ashamed or worried about. Sadness is important in our life. Because after, it comes katharsis. I am sad right now, when I'm writing this around 4am. There are a lot of things that can make me sad. It's actually everything. Right now it's because I feel like my friend doesn't appreciate how much effort I'm putting into our friendship to make it normal after all the things that happened. He excluded me from our group and it hurt my feelings. I feel like he doesn't care at all. Like I'm losing him. Like he doesn't want to be my friend. And in my opinion there is nothing worse than thinking like this. But I'm not feeling like crying or having panic attack. I just feel sad. And I know it's okay. What bothers me is, why the hell I feel sad almost all the time? Since I'm here, I was sad more than I should be. I felt sad, when he didn't want to help me when I had my first panic attack ever. I felt sad, when Ana and Weronika told him that they know about this. I felt sad, when he was avoiding and ignoring me. I felt sad, when I found out that he lied to me again. I felt sad everytime I had a fight with my mum. I felt sad, when she told me, that her problem with back is something big and serious. I felt sad, when I've heard Silk, Don't Delete The Kisses and Blush live on Wolf Alice gig. I felt sad, when he actually deleted me from Snapchat. And I feel sad now, when he didn't thought about me, when he planned a Pub Quiz Night. I feel really sad, because I can't talk to him about this. Because it will make me look like I'm a drama queen. I feel sad, because everytime I think I'm fine again, something happens. Even a little thing. Like this one. I just want to know why my life is so complicated. Have I done something bad? Wrong? Inapropriate? I just really want to know. Is it me, or people around me? Maybe it's their fault, that my life is such a mess with ups and downs all the time. I feel sad about this as well. Because whatever I'll do, things will get worse. Like now. I was trying to be friendly at the begining of the week. I bought him polish sweets, because he's always buying everything for us. I made smoothie for all of us. And I feel like he still may think that it's weird or that I have feelings for him. I have feelings for him. Him, Ana, Weronika, even Shanna, Sophia and Jevi. They're my friends. And I love them because they're supportive sometimes. The thing is - he's a big enigma for me. One day he's caring, like the day when there was an accident on Oxford Street and he was worried about me. That made me think that he's a real friend to me. And now he's done this. It's not unforgettable. But it hurts. A lot. And it's not fine. It's not fair that I'm hurt almost all the time. It's not fair I'm the only one that is hurt. I don't wish them to feel what I feel right now, but it's not right for me, that I'm so vulnerable and they don't see how it affects me. It's okay that I'm sad. I know that I need this. But I wish I won't be sadder. Because I know how it will end. And I don't want to be in that dark place again, that I've been for a long time. I just wish things will get better. I just hope my shooting star wish will came true. I want my life to be normal easier again.

1:30pm I feel like crying right now. I almost had a panic attack while coughing at the lecture. I have bad thoughts. I'm getting closer to my dark side. I don't want to go there. I feel like I just want to get naked again, lay on the blanket on the floor and cry. It's really bad. And I can't talk to anyone about this, because I'm sure I will start crying. Maybe it's just because I'm tired after 15hours trip with Paul and not sleeping for 26hours by now. And its just the beginning. I'm afraid. I'm scared. And I don't know what to do.

I hope my body gets better. Do I mean my body, or my mind?

Anger

It's hard to piss me off for real. Since I started uni in Portsmouth, I was pissed off too many times. Mostly because of Jacob, Ana and Nika. That's strange how pissed off you can be, because of people you care the most. The thing is - it's not that hard to make me feel angry when I'm drunk. Then I'm never sure how I will respond. Sometimes I'm responding in rage - like I did when I've talked to Jacob. He was avoiding me. He didn't want to spend time with me alone. He didn't even talked to me. It pissed me off when he called me his bro. How you can be somebody's bro if they're not even talking to you? I talked to him about this. And now I'm glad. Because finally I've said things I wanted to say, but was to shy or uncomfortable to say. But sometimes the talk doesn't solve problems. Sometimes it's making things worse. And that time it almost got worse, but I made really good decision. I decided not to talk with Jacob about how he lied to me after we talked at night. I decided to live with this fact. Even when he said some stuff to Munir I decided to stay calm and don't feel angry at him. I won't change him or his actions. I just really don't want to screw another relationship. I don't want Jacob to be my next Patryk. I don't want to be hurt like I was after we ended our friendship. It was the worst feeling ever. I don't want to act like nothing happened and I'm okay with lying behind my back and gossiping. I just want to be normal. Not make a deal from everything. I don't want to be drama queen. I won't say You're mean. I will stop making this angry eyes at him or girls. I will try not to bother about things like this. I won't pretend if things will get worse. It will kill me. But I can't make a big deal from everything. After threee months of living here with these people I know who I can trust or not. The funny thing is I can't trust my closest friends. Not entirely. That sucks. And it's unhealthy. But I have other friends to trust. Paula is one of them. Shanna, Sophia and Jevi as well. I can talk with them about everything. 

H(e)llow

Let's start with the fact, that I was bored, so I decided to start writing about stuff that I'm thinking about almost every night. Maybe this will help with my sleeping problems. Or maybe it's just another mistake, but I don't know it yet. No one will have access to this blog. Just me. They will know, that I have it, but they will never see it. After my dead body. I just need a safe place to write, think and make mistakes. The only one person that I truly trust will see it. Me.

About Florence

You don't have to understand me. You don't have to agree with me. I just want to explain why I'm so crazy about some ginger singer.
She looks a little bit like man, doesn't she? Is she beautiful? No? Imagine it's you. That people say you look like a man even if you're a woman. How would you feel, knowing that no-one is attracted to you, because of your appearance. I'd felt pretty bad. Sad. Unloved. Alone. She did. Not because of her appearance. Your appearance shouldn't be the reason of your misery.

Depression hit me first, when my grandma died one day before my 12th birthday. But anyway I was always really cheerful, funny and charismatic. I shut down all my feelings and I hadn't cried for almost 3 years. I thought it's nothing. But then our friend's dad died. We went to his funeral. I am really creative and my imagination sometimes scares me. In one second I imagined that in the coffin, there's my dad. Or mum. Or my grandma again. I started crying. And I cried for three hours. I was broken. Totally. I didn't know how to walk, talk or think. I was just crying. It was just the beginning of this very long, truly depressive journey. 

When I was 14 year old I fell in love with my friend. I was hiding my feelings, because I didn't want to ruin everything. But he found out anyway. And he left me. Disappeared from my life. A boy, who meant everything to me. In my heart, there was only a place for him. No-one else. Even if I had another friend, she wasn't him. I was really sad, alone and I felt abandoned. He left me when I needed him the most, because my whole life was falling apart. Of course he didn't know. In October 2014 I almost jump off the cliff and slit my wrists. Almost, because I only thought about making one more step, or taking the knife. These thoughts were with me for a long time. And then he came back. But still, I felt bad and sad. Again, he didn't knew. I thought I don't love him anymore, because of what he did. But even then I couldn't resist his charm. He used it against me. It was just a game. He was putting his hand on my lap, and asking higher or lower? His touch was burning my skin but I couldn't resist to say higher. And I did so. I've never been brave or bold. Shy and innocent? Yes. So I finally said stop. We were doing this in the bus. It was just a game. I thought I like this, but then he texted me to play it again with sending pictures. I didn't want to be shy anymore, so I agreed. We played till I showed him my pussy, and he showed me his penis. I thought it will change something in our relationship. Maybe that's why I was doing it. And not even one week later he was threatening me to show this pictures to everyone. I was so scared of being called a slut or a whore. I was living in fear for almost half a year, till we finished middle school. In pretty the same time Florence + The Machine had their concert in Poland. I couldn't been there, but I was watching it on live stream. I knew her before, but because of all that happened to me that year, I started listening to her more then ever. I finally had a chance to start again. Florence helped me with her music to understand my sadness, depression and mood swings. She cured me. She saved me. When I was going through her lyrics, it was like reading about your own life. U