Sadness

Being sad is nothing to be ashamed or worried about. Sadness is important in our life. Because after, it comes katharsis. I am sad right now, when I'm writing this around 4am. There are a lot of things that can make me sad. It's actually everything. Right now it's because I feel like my friend doesn't appreciate how much effort I'm putting into our friendship to make it normal after all the things that happened. He excluded me from our group and it hurt my feelings. I feel like he doesn't care at all. Like I'm losing him. Like he doesn't want to be my friend. And in my opinion there is nothing worse than thinking like this. But I'm not feeling like crying or having panic attack. I just feel sad. And I know it's okay. What bothers me is, why the hell I feel sad almost all the time? Since I'm here, I was sad more than I should be. I felt sad, when he didn't want to help me when I had my first panic attack ever. I felt sad, when Ana and Weronika told him that they know about this. I felt sad, when he was avoiding and ignoring me. I felt sad, when I found out that he lied to me again. I felt sad everytime I had a fight with my mum. I felt sad, when she told me, that her problem with back is something big and serious. I felt sad, when I've heard Silk, Don't Delete The Kisses and Blush live on Wolf Alice gig. I felt sad, when he actually deleted me from Snapchat. And I feel sad now, when he didn't thought about me, when he planned a Pub Quiz Night. I feel really sad, because I can't talk to him about this. Because it will make me look like I'm a drama queen. I feel sad, because everytime I think I'm fine again, something happens. Even a little thing. Like this one. I just want to know why my life is so complicated. Have I done something bad? Wrong? Inapropriate? I just really want to know. Is it me, or people around me? Maybe it's their fault, that my life is such a mess with ups and downs all the time. I feel sad about this as well. Because whatever I'll do, things will get worse. Like now. I was trying to be friendly at the begining of the week. I bought him polish sweets, because he's always buying everything for us. I made smoothie for all of us. And I feel like he still may think that it's weird or that I have feelings for him. I have feelings for him. Him, Ana, Weronika, even Shanna, Sophia and Jevi. They're my friends. And I love them because they're supportive sometimes. The thing is - he's a big enigma for me. One day he's caring, like the day when there was an accident on Oxford Street and he was worried about me. That made me think that he's a real friend to me. And now he's done this. It's not unforgettable. But it hurts. A lot. And it's not fine. It's not fair that I'm hurt almost all the time. It's not fair I'm the only one that is hurt. I don't wish them to feel what I feel right now, but it's not right for me, that I'm so vulnerable and they don't see how it affects me. It's okay that I'm sad. I know that I need this. But I wish I won't be sadder. Because I know how it will end. And I don't want to be in that dark place again, that I've been for a long time. I just wish things will get better. I just hope my shooting star wish will came true. I want my life to be normal easier again.

1:30pm I feel like crying right now. I almost had a panic attack while coughing at the lecture. I have bad thoughts. I'm getting closer to my dark side. I don't want to go there. I feel like I just want to get naked again, lay on the blanket on the floor and cry. It's really bad. And I can't talk to anyone about this, because I'm sure I will start crying. Maybe it's just because I'm tired after 15hours trip with Paul and not sleeping for 26hours by now. And its just the beginning. I'm afraid. I'm scared. And I don't know what to do.

I hope my body gets better. Do I mean my body, or my mind?