The Kiss

I like kissing people. Kissing is a really good feeling. I remember my first kiss with Alex. I was devastated. I wanted to keep the first kiss for someone special. And I didn't because I was drunk. Being drunk equals not saying no to a kiss, for me. I know this. And people know this. And that's bad. I don't want to be known from kissing random people in the clubs or at the house parties. I just don't want to be known as a slut. Because I'm not like this. It really hurt me when Caleb said I'm a horny bitch and a cunt. I really like him, but I'm not sure in what kind of way. I like when he's looking at me, while he's dancing. I like when he's letting me rest on his arm. I like when he kisses me. I like when he's asking me to kiss with him. I like how cute he's sometimes. I like the way he's talking with me, when no one is around. I like him. And I don't want him to think that I'm a slut or a horny bitch.

I know that when I'm drinking, slutty mode turns on. But I won't kiss with everyone then. I will make nasty jokes, maybe even promise to do something spicy, but I would never do any of this if I don't like the guy. I'm keeping it for special people. At the moment I don't even know what I feel. Because I'm not mad, upset or jelous. I think I'm just confused. And I almost had a panic attack. I knew it's coming, so I went out of Caleb's room and sat down on the stairway, trying to breath properly. After 10 minutes I was fine, but still couldn't breath normally so I just went back to my room, got naked and took shower. A lot of things are happening now and I just really wish it's Monday already. I want to go back home and have a break from all of this. From people. From friends. From being drunk most the times. I just really want to see my family, pets, friends, twins and Gosia and all these people I left in Poland for such a long time. I just need a rest. Too many things happened lately. I'm exhausted being a student. Student life is not that easy. I was forced to make a lot of choices too early in my opinion. 

My deepest fears

I have a lot of fears. Fear of death, drowning, being an alcohol addict, being unsuccessful, being alone, losing a friend... But my deepest fear is that I won't be able to have kids. It sounds crazy and weird. I'm only 19 years old and my deepest fear is being infertile. I know that I want kids. I want them so much, I can't wait to meet the right guy. It's a bit too early say that it's my maternal instinct, but every time I see kids I am imagining myself being a mother. Of course, it's mostly terrifying, but it's also something beautiful. But you need to find the right moment. I know that right now it's not the best time to have a baby. I just started studying at uni. I haven't met anyone worth my heart. My family have spend lot of money to let me study abroad. That's why I'm worried. The thing that I've done wasn't intercourse, but anyway he was there. For seconds, but he was. And now, sitting on my bed, writing this post, I hope that I actually got my period. That I don't have to go to NHS. That everything is fine. Deep inside I'm still worried. I mean, I will be delighted if I will find out that I'm pregnant. But not right now. Not with a random guy from Navy. Not in this way. But it can happen one day. It really can. I actually hope that this day will come not in 5 years, but maybe even less. The thought of waiting that long is making me sad. Kids are making me happy. They deserve my full love. And I know that one day I'll handle being a mom. I just need to be careful, because other way, I will have another fear. Getting pregnant while studying here. And I know I'm not this kind of girl, who will just do this with random guys. This time it was an exception. 

She wants the silence but fears the solitude

Sex yeah

I was making mistakes before. I made bad decisions about boys and I always regreted it. Even when I thought I don't regret Jacob, I did. Deep inside I felt really bad. The day after I made this mistake, I couldn't eat at all. I couldn't think about anything else but my weird lifestyle I could only lay on the floor on my blanket, completely naked, listening to my sad playlist and most of all crying. Crying. Crying. Crying. All the time. For almost 3 hours, because I had to go to dinner. When I was broken deep inside, I kept sending snapchats to people. I was also texting Jacob, like nothing happened. When I told him, it wasn't a big deal for me, and it wasn't awkward at all, I lied. I lied but not to him. I lied to myself. I thought I can trick my own mind, saying and typing that it was fine. But is it really normal? To just start making out with a friend? With a guy that I've hated at the begining? I'm pretty sure it's not normal at all. I had problems with my sanity since than. Sudden panic attacks, breathing problems, stressing about everything, crying for couple of hours a day. I've spend a lot of time watching tv series and films. I thought it will make me busy and not to think about any of this. But I was wrong. I can't pretend that I'm alright when I'm not. But a lot changed since then. Jacob is a jerk, who just wants to fuck everything that moves. He's saddist. He really is. He took advantage of me and Nika when we were really drunk and unable to say no. And he knew this. But instead of respecting us, he just made decisions for us, without asking. And then he was pretending that he cares about us, which I'm not sure about. He hurt us anyway. I know what I've said about losing virginity with him, but I'm taking it back. It will be humiliating to do this with him. And inapropriate. I've told him a lot about my sex expactations, fears and doubts. But now everything changed.

I'm not proud of myself. I'm sure no one would be. Making out is okay. It's fun. It's nothing personal. But when it turns into something more I have doubts. I was making out with Italian guy, while Nika was making out with Craig. When we were going back home, Craig just grabbed me and started making out which was really weird, as he just kissed with Nika. I've told him I can't do anything with him, as I have a date with someone next day. But even when I said this three times, he kept trying. And I finally broke. We left Nika and Craig's friend and we walked away. We went to the beach where we continued making out. Then he just threw his jacket on the beach, wrapped his hands around my waist and laid me down. He unzipped my jeans, than panties and started giving me pleasure. One thing led to another and we both ended up naked on the beach panting in spasms. We didn't went full, but for me it was really memorable moment. It will stuck in my head for a long time. It was my first time for many things. BJ, HJ, 69, sperm. And I feel really bad only because of one thing. That I actually liked it and don't regret. I can't say I'm glad we did this, but I can't say it was a mistake. Right now I don't see it that way. Of course now the only one thing that stuck in my head is he's fucking beautiful dick, but also the thought that tomorrow I need to take care of my life and deal with it. And I'm glad I'm not alone with this. Because Weronika is going with me to NHS to ask for 'Morning After Pill'. I don't even feel bad saying outloud what I did. I don't feel ashamed. As long as they won't make any jokes. As long as I'm the only one person saying about it. As long as they don't gossip.
But hey, I actually almost banged with Navy guy! One guy less from the list! And he had a beautiful dick. For real.