I have a lot of fears. Fear of death, drowning, being an alcohol addict, being unsuccessful, being alone, losing a friend... But my deepest fear is that I won't be able to have kids. It sounds crazy and weird. I'm only 19 years old and my deepest fear is being infertile. I know that I want kids. I want them so much, I can't wait to meet the right guy. It's a bit too early say that it's my maternal instinct, but every time I see kids I am imagining myself being a mother. Of course, it's mostly terrifying, but it's also something beautiful. But you need to find the right moment. I know that right now it's not the best time to have a baby. I just started studying at uni. I haven't met anyone worth my heart. My family have spend lot of money to let me study abroad. That's why I'm worried. The thing that I've done wasn't intercourse, but anyway he was there. For seconds, but he was. And now, sitting on my bed, writing this post, I hope that I actually got my period. That I don't have to go to NHS. That everything is fine. Deep inside I'm still worried. I mean, I will be delighted if I will find out that I'm pregnant. But not right now. Not with a random guy from Navy. Not in this way. But it can happen one day. It really can. I actually hope that this day will come not in 5 years, but maybe even less. The thought of waiting that long is making me sad. Kids are making me happy. They deserve my full love. And I know that one day I'll handle being a mom. I just need to be careful, because other way, I will have another fear. Getting pregnant while studying here. And I know I'm not this kind of girl, who will just do this with random guys. This time it was an exception.
She wants the silence but fears the solitude
