I like kissing people. Kissing is a really good feeling. I remember my first kiss with Alex. I was devastated. I wanted to keep the first kiss for someone special. And I didn't because I was drunk. Being drunk equals not saying no to a kiss, for me. I know this. And people know this. And that's bad. I don't want to be known from kissing random people in the clubs or at the house parties. I just don't want to be known as a slut. Because I'm not like this. It really hurt me when Caleb said I'm a horny bitch and a cunt. I really like him, but I'm not sure in what kind of way. I like when he's looking at me, while he's dancing. I like when he's letting me rest on his arm. I like when he kisses me. I like when he's asking me to kiss with him. I like how cute he's sometimes. I like the way he's talking with me, when no one is around. I like him. And I don't want him to think that I'm a slut or a horny bitch.
I know that when I'm drinking, slutty mode turns on. But I won't kiss with everyone then. I will make nasty jokes, maybe even promise to do something spicy, but I would never do any of this if I don't like the guy. I'm keeping it for special people. At the moment I don't even know what I feel. Because I'm not mad, upset or jelous. I think I'm just confused. And I almost had a panic attack. I knew it's coming, so I went out of Caleb's room and sat down on the stairway, trying to breath properly. After 10 minutes I was fine, but still couldn't breath normally so I just went back to my room, got naked and took shower. A lot of things are happening now and I just really wish it's Monday already. I want to go back home and have a break from all of this. From people. From friends. From being drunk most the times. I just really want to see my family, pets, friends, twins and Gosia and all these people I left in Poland for such a long time. I just need a rest. Too many things happened lately. I'm exhausted being a student. Student life is not that easy. I was forced to make a lot of choices too early in my opinion.
