I was making mistakes before. I made bad decisions about boys and I always regreted it. Even when I thought I don't regret Jacob, I did. Deep inside I felt really bad. The day after I made this mistake, I couldn't eat at all. I couldn't think about anything else but my weird lifestyle I could only lay on the floor on my blanket, completely naked, listening to my sad playlist and most of all crying. Crying. Crying. Crying. All the time. For almost 3 hours, because I had to go to dinner. When I was broken deep inside, I kept sending snapchats to people. I was also texting Jacob, like nothing happened. When I told him, it wasn't a big deal for me, and it wasn't awkward at all, I lied. I lied but not to him. I lied to myself. I thought I can trick my own mind, saying and typing that it was fine. But is it really normal? To just start making out with a friend? With a guy that I've hated at the begining? I'm pretty sure it's not normal at all. I had problems with my sanity since than. Sudden panic attacks, breathing problems, stressing about everything, crying for couple of hours a day. I've spend a lot of time watching tv series and films. I thought it will make me busy and not to think about any of this. But I was wrong. I can't pretend that I'm alright when I'm not. But a lot changed since then. Jacob is a jerk, who just wants to fuck everything that moves. He's saddist. He really is. He took advantage of me and Nika when we were really drunk and unable to say no. And he knew this. But instead of respecting us, he just made decisions for us, without asking. And then he was pretending that he cares about us, which I'm not sure about. He hurt us anyway. I know what I've said about losing virginity with him, but I'm taking it back. It will be humiliating to do this with him. And inapropriate. I've told him a lot about my sex expactations, fears and doubts. But now everything changed.
I'm not proud of myself. I'm sure no one would be. Making out is okay. It's fun. It's nothing personal. But when it turns into something more I have doubts. I was making out with Italian guy, while Nika was making out with Craig. When we were going back home, Craig just grabbed me and started making out which was really weird, as he just kissed with Nika. I've told him I can't do anything with him, as I have a date with someone next day. But even when I said this three times, he kept trying. And I finally broke. We left Nika and Craig's friend and we walked away. We went to the beach where we continued making out. Then he just threw his jacket on the beach, wrapped his hands around my waist and laid me down. He unzipped my jeans, than panties and started giving me pleasure. One thing led to another and we both ended up naked on the beach panting in spasms. We didn't went full, but for me it was really memorable moment. It will stuck in my head for a long time. It was my first time for many things. BJ, HJ, 69, sperm. And I feel really bad only because of one thing. That I actually liked it and don't regret. I can't say I'm glad we did this, but I can't say it was a mistake. Right now I don't see it that way. Of course now the only one thing that stuck in my head is he's fucking beautiful dick, but also the thought that tomorrow I need to take care of my life and deal with it. And I'm glad I'm not alone with this. Because Weronika is going with me to NHS to ask for 'Morning After Pill'. I don't even feel bad saying outloud what I did. I don't feel ashamed. As long as they won't make any jokes. As long as I'm the only one person saying about it. As long as they don't gossip.
But hey, I actuallyalmost banged with Navy guy! One guy less from the list! And he had a beautiful dick. For real.
But hey, I actually
