Birthday Boy

Dear Josh,

You entered my life bringing happiness and love. I never thought I will have someone like you in my life, who will make me feel loved, beautiful and respected. If someone would have told me one year ago, that I will meet amazing and handsome guy, who will love me as much as I love him, I wouldn't believe. But here we are, just couple weeks before I first met you last year. Thinking of all the things that led me to realising how I feel about you, makes me think that if even one of those things didn't happen, I wouldn't have been the luckiest girl right now. It may be stupid but I actually believe in destiny and I'm so glad our paths crossed and we started this amazing journey together. 

When we started to get to know each other in March I kinda thought we will stop talking after some time. But we talked every day. I remember waiting for you to get home so I can talk with you. I remember laying in my bed watching something, but then started thinking of things you were saying that made me laugh and laughing again. I remember all the shifts we had together, when we started being friends and how great it was working with you, getting to know you even more. And if somehow I would need to travel in time to this time, I wouldn't change a thing. Because that's what led us to this day. Your birthday.
I wish you all the best things! I want to make you happy everyday. I want to help you make your dreams come true. I want to support you in everything you do. And I will do all this things, because you don't even realise how much I love you and how happy I am to have you in my life. You're so smart, handsome, caring and amazing man. I'm the luckiest person alive to be the one who you love.

I love you,
forever, endlessly, unconditionally, infinitely.
Always.
Jagody,
Yoda,
Babushka,
Little Bebe,
Bloob,
Hot piece of Ass,

Jagoda.

His Eyes

Well that picture up here looks kinda scary and creepy. I just wanted to combine a lot of pictures of Yoshi's eyes, to look at it and not miss him that much. Now I miss him even more, because no pictures or video calls can show how his eyes are beautiful. How handsome he is and how such a big heart he has. I just really want to see him really soon. I didn't know I will miss him that much. I didn't know everything would be so great between us by now. Thinking about this last months I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life. With just one look, smile or word, he can make me feel happy. And that's amazing. That's what I always wanted when I was thinking what's missing in my life. I feel like it was a puzzle. And that just couple of elements were missing. He was the biggest one that's giving you the whole picture of a puzzle. I don't know if it's done yet. Maybe there are still missing elements, but there's still time to find them, or realise I already had them. I know, that by now it's enough for me. I'm happy. I have no worries and if I do he's here for me and I'm there for him.

EDIT. Well I just have realised that the puzzle thing can also refer to sex :| He fits me soooo good. Just like two puzzles!

22 days

 

I miss you. Everytime I wake up I want you to be next to me, so your pretty face would be the first thing I'll see in the morning. I thought going home will be great. But that was before anything started happening. Then I thought 5 weeks won't be enough to stay at home. Now I wish it was just 2 weeks, because I miss you so much already. I remember being on my way to the airport. I already missed you by then. I knew that 5 weeks of feeling kinda lonely is coming and I hated it, but couldn't do anything about it. And the fact that you miss me so much is making it a little bit easier. I'm happy. But not right now in Poland being so away from you Yoshi. I wish I could just go back, stare at you and your body, drown in your eyes, be suffocated by your lips, stroke your hair, back and hold your hands so I'll never let go of you. I wish it's only one more week to try everything we talked about. The thing that is making me feel even worse is that I have no intimacy here. No space just for myself, so I can talk with you for hours, while everyone else is sleeping. I want to see your face, your big beautiful smile and the look you're giving me when you stare at me. I wish I could be there for you, when you need me the most, when you feel sad or angry, or just when you want to hang out and do nothing. You need to be strong. I need to be strong. We managed to survive 2 weeks by now! And then once I'll come back I'll continue making you happy, because that's what you deserve for and what I want for you! 

Send love to Hulk! I know he misses me! Tell him I'll take care of him once I'll come back. I'll do you good. WAIT FOR IT!
Also - I think you stuck for good in my mind, as since last Wednesday, I dream about you every night. I stopped telling you, as I can't remember what the dreams were about. Not always at least. But they are all really good. It's almost like you are here with me all the time. 

I'm happy now

I was thinking lately about all bad or sad things that happened to me, starting with my grandma's death. Usually it's making me feel really depressed, but not this time. Something changed. I think it's because I'm really happy. Honestly and fully. I've spend a lot of time with Josh, which is always making me feel really happy, secured for some reason and most of all loved. The way he looks at me is magical. I felt like he's studying me and my body. He's so caring. I can't stop thinking about him, his touch, his eyes. About things he's saying or texting. I'm closing my eyes and I see it all again in my head. I can still feel his fingers. He's the best thing that happened to me. I don't even want to know how my life would have looked like without him. He's making everything easier and better. He helped me to go through April. He took my mind off the things I would have thought about all the time. I believe he's making me a better person. I'm so fucking happy to have him and I really won't let go of him that easily. And the thoughts about all the things that we can do... Can't wait for all of it. But for now I want to be supportive for him, because I'm sure it's really hard to go through this breakup. I'll wait as long as he needs me to wait for him to be ready. He's worth waiting. 

Overwhelming

I feel like lately I had a lot of these days, when I feel too many different things. But it's different than mood swings. When I have them, the emotions keep changing. Lately I noticed I feel a lot of different things at the same time, which is really overwhelming, because I can't really say how I feel. People keep asking Are you okay?, and I don't really know what to say. It's like I feel both happy and angry at the same time, or sad and cheerful. So I'm always trying to trick my own mind, by saying I'm good, or Okay. But the truth is I feel everything at the same moment. Maybe it's just because of April, being a hard time for me every year. Thinking about all things that happened, it keeps making me feel even more overwhelmed. There's one thing that helps me go through all of it. Talking with Josh is making me not to think about the past. With Nika as well, but lately I've been talking with her a little bit less. Sometimes I just think she doesn't really want to listen. But she's too nice to stop me. I don't feel sad about it, because I know that I can count on her, when I'll need her. The thing is - even when I talk about sad or upsetting things with Josh, it's not making me feel like shit. That's super weird and I think never happened to me before. He keeps my mind busy thinking about other things, even if they're confusing or difficult to deal with.

Florence released new single today and while I was opening the link to the video, I started crying and shaking. Why? Because I knew it's a closing of one era and an opening of another, and it's not about music. It's about my life and my past. Since she released her last album in 2015 my life changed dramatically. I had my ups and downs. Ups at the beginning, when I've seen hope for myself to be happy. I had loving friends, I forgot about my dark times and I was cheerful again. Then after one year everything changed again and I had more sad days since then. I've lost almost all my friends, I left Poland to start new life in UK, I became this whole new person, but I didn't know my life will change that much. Now I can see hope again for being happy. It's still hiding somewhere in the dark corner, waiting for me to reach it out. I know before my happiness wasn't lasting for long, but this time I believe it will stay with me. This new single actually made me feel even more overwhelmed. Can't really explain why.

And shit. It's 13th of Friday! I can bet something really bad will happen to me! Can't wait to deal with it as I still remain lion hearted girl!

Being loved

I don't know how it's possible, that my life is changing so often. And it's always a big change. This time I feel like my heart drifted away from me and attached to someone else. This someone else is Josh. I never thought it will end up like this. I feel the connection between two of us. We are talking everyday for couple of hours and even then we still have something to talk about. I love it. I feel like I can talk to him about everything and I know he feels the same. Everyone at work is getting jelous of our friendship. Nell and Wallace mostly. I don't even know what I feel right now, but things he's telling me are so warm for my heart. I feel like it's heating up again, to finally be able to love someone. But we have a problem. He has a girlfriend. They've been together for 6 years and I know it's a long time. So I'm confused what's going on. We are flirting for hours, trying to get to know each other even more. But I still have this thought in my head that it's not right, because he has Kayleigh. He's giving me signs that he likes me much more than he should, but I don't know what to do about it. I know for sure that if they won't be together anymore I would make a move. But for now I will just be the best friend he can actually have. Things he's saying are making me happy. Sometimes I can catch myself thinking about our conversations and just smiling, laughing or biting my lips. I'm glad I have him as a friend, but the problem is I think I will start having even stronger feelings for him. He did said that I seduced him. But what does it mean for him? If he will make a move I'll probably go for it. But then I know I will still be thinking about his girlfriend. Even though I feel like I'm being loved by him. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling.

I just don't understand why I'm always falling for guys who are not available? Is it my thing? I really believe he's my soulmate. But does he thinks the same? Don't know yet. He's caring and he's really listening to me. He's a giver, a carer and a sharer. He's perfect. So why he can't be single? Then I would finally put my feelings into someone who's actually available for me. I know in some way he's attracted to me. The way he's talking about me... It's magical. Like all my sorrows are going away immadiately. I don't want to listen to anyone else. Just him. And I know he loves talking to me. If I'll see that he's giving me hints he would like to try to start something with me, I won't do anything till he's with Kayleigh. It's just not right. Now it's hard not to make the wrong move.

Or he doesn't like me that much as I think and he just wants me for his threesome. Thinking about it on the seaside didn't helped me to figure it out. Maybe this will. But for now I won't make a move. Not until I will see a green light. I don't want to ruin this friendship. After all I can live with another friend who I truly love but can't be with, right? I just hope I won't be hurt. Or that he won't break me like Patryk did many years ago. But right now I think I can be fixed. Finally.

Death

I think I'll never be ready to talk about it. Not for real. I'm to fragile to say all this stuff out loud. It would break me. But I need to write down some of this. We will never be ready to die. At least not me. And I'm not ready for dead of the loved ones. We all know it needs to happen, but we don't want to think about it too much.

I don't want to think about it. I can't even write it down.

All I can say is... That I'm scared. And I'll totally break if I will write all this stuff down now.

I'm sorry. But I just can't. I want to be fine again. Find my way to go back to being happy all the time. So... No death talk for now.

Hopefully I will never finish this post.