I'm happy now

I was thinking lately about all bad or sad things that happened to me, starting with my grandma's death. Usually it's making me feel really depressed, but not this time. Something changed. I think it's because I'm really happy. Honestly and fully. I've spend a lot of time with Josh, which is always making me feel really happy, secured for some reason and most of all loved. The way he looks at me is magical. I felt like he's studying me and my body. He's so caring. I can't stop thinking about him, his touch, his eyes. About things he's saying or texting. I'm closing my eyes and I see it all again in my head. I can still feel his fingers. He's the best thing that happened to me. I don't even want to know how my life would have looked like without him. He's making everything easier and better. He helped me to go through April. He took my mind off the things I would have thought about all the time. I believe he's making me a better person. I'm so fucking happy to have him and I really won't let go of him that easily. And the thoughts about all the things that we can do... Can't wait for all of it. But for now I want to be supportive for him, because I'm sure it's really hard to go through this breakup. I'll wait as long as he needs me to wait for him to be ready. He's worth waiting. 

Overwhelming

I feel like lately I had a lot of these days, when I feel too many different things. But it's different than mood swings. When I have them, the emotions keep changing. Lately I noticed I feel a lot of different things at the same time, which is really overwhelming, because I can't really say how I feel. People keep asking Are you okay?, and I don't really know what to say. It's like I feel both happy and angry at the same time, or sad and cheerful. So I'm always trying to trick my own mind, by saying I'm good, or Okay. But the truth is I feel everything at the same moment. Maybe it's just because of April, being a hard time for me every year. Thinking about all things that happened, it keeps making me feel even more overwhelmed. There's one thing that helps me go through all of it. Talking with Josh is making me not to think about the past. With Nika as well, but lately I've been talking with her a little bit less. Sometimes I just think she doesn't really want to listen. But she's too nice to stop me. I don't feel sad about it, because I know that I can count on her, when I'll need her. The thing is - even when I talk about sad or upsetting things with Josh, it's not making me feel like shit. That's super weird and I think never happened to me before. He keeps my mind busy thinking about other things, even if they're confusing or difficult to deal with.

Florence released new single today and while I was opening the link to the video, I started crying and shaking. Why? Because I knew it's a closing of one era and an opening of another, and it's not about music. It's about my life and my past. Since she released her last album in 2015 my life changed dramatically. I had my ups and downs. Ups at the beginning, when I've seen hope for myself to be happy. I had loving friends, I forgot about my dark times and I was cheerful again. Then after one year everything changed again and I had more sad days since then. I've lost almost all my friends, I left Poland to start new life in UK, I became this whole new person, but I didn't know my life will change that much. Now I can see hope again for being happy. It's still hiding somewhere in the dark corner, waiting for me to reach it out. I know before my happiness wasn't lasting for long, but this time I believe it will stay with me. This new single actually made me feel even more overwhelmed. Can't really explain why.

And shit. It's 13th of Friday! I can bet something really bad will happen to me! Can't wait to deal with it as I still remain lion hearted girl!

Being loved

I don't know how it's possible, that my life is changing so often. And it's always a big change. This time I feel like my heart drifted away from me and attached to someone else. This someone else is Josh. I never thought it will end up like this. I feel the connection between two of us. We are talking everyday for couple of hours and even then we still have something to talk about. I love it. I feel like I can talk to him about everything and I know he feels the same. Everyone at work is getting jelous of our friendship. Nell and Wallace mostly. I don't even know what I feel right now, but things he's telling me are so warm for my heart. I feel like it's heating up again, to finally be able to love someone. But we have a problem. He has a girlfriend. They've been together for 6 years and I know it's a long time. So I'm confused what's going on. We are flirting for hours, trying to get to know each other even more. But I still have this thought in my head that it's not right, because he has Kayleigh. He's giving me signs that he likes me much more than he should, but I don't know what to do about it. I know for sure that if they won't be together anymore I would make a move. But for now I will just be the best friend he can actually have. Things he's saying are making me happy. Sometimes I can catch myself thinking about our conversations and just smiling, laughing or biting my lips. I'm glad I have him as a friend, but the problem is I think I will start having even stronger feelings for him. He did said that I seduced him. But what does it mean for him? If he will make a move I'll probably go for it. But then I know I will still be thinking about his girlfriend. Even though I feel like I'm being loved by him. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling.

I just don't understand why I'm always falling for guys who are not available? Is it my thing? I really believe he's my soulmate. But does he thinks the same? Don't know yet. He's caring and he's really listening to me. He's a giver, a carer and a sharer. He's perfect. So why he can't be single? Then I would finally put my feelings into someone who's actually available for me. I know in some way he's attracted to me. The way he's talking about me... It's magical. Like all my sorrows are going away immadiately. I don't want to listen to anyone else. Just him. And I know he loves talking to me. If I'll see that he's giving me hints he would like to try to start something with me, I won't do anything till he's with Kayleigh. It's just not right. Now it's hard not to make the wrong move.

Or he doesn't like me that much as I think and he just wants me for his threesome. Thinking about it on the seaside didn't helped me to figure it out. Maybe this will. But for now I won't make a move. Not until I will see a green light. I don't want to ruin this friendship. After all I can live with another friend who I truly love but can't be with, right? I just hope I won't be hurt. Or that he won't break me like Patryk did many years ago. But right now I think I can be fixed. Finally.

Death

I think I'll never be ready to talk about it. Not for real. I'm to fragile to say all this stuff out loud. It would break me. But I need to write down some of this. We will never be ready to die. At least not me. And I'm not ready for dead of the loved ones. We all know it needs to happen, but we don't want to think about it too much.

I don't want to think about it. I can't even write it down.

All I can say is... That I'm scared. And I'll totally break if I will write all this stuff down now.

I'm sorry. But I just can't. I want to be fine again. Find my way to go back to being happy all the time. So... No death talk for now.

Hopefully I will never finish this post.

Lust

I don't really know who I am anymore. For real. It's not Jagoda I used to be. I wasn't like this. But now I am like this. This week was a total nightmare for me. I almost didn't finished my assignement on time. I was stressed all the time. I couldn't really sleep. But since the last post a lot of things happened. They're all connected with the word lust. Because that's what my life is all about right now. My desires and attemption to complete them. It started with Jacob, but now it's not really about who it is. I don't really care if it will be Jacob again, or Caleb this time. I've spend almost half an hour talking with Jacob how much I need a dick and he said that as long as we live together he can't help, but can help find me a dick. But here comes Caleb, who actually asked me to do some stuff with him when we come back in 2018. All I need to do is to remind him this. It's not like he's no longer provoking me to do this. It's just he always picks not really a good time for it. On Sunday I've slept in Jacob's room. Waking up next to someone else was really good. I mean it was kinda cute, when I opened my eyes and have seen Jacob's face so close to mine. Yesterday I've slept in Caleb's room. After all-nighter the day before, I was so tired I've fallen asleep in 2 minutes when we started watching a film. They said I looked like I'm in peace so they left me like this. I almost slept in his room again today, but they woke me up. But that's good. I think since tuesday he was sleeping everyday with me or Nika, so it's better for him. Also I have to go to work tomorrow. Anyway, we haven't done anything. And that's good as well, because I don't really know what kind of feelings Nika is having for him. First I need to find out, then I can start being more confident with him and the thing we agreed to do. That's funny, because guys here see me as some kind of sex addict, when the truth is that I'm still a virgin. So. Funny.

The Kiss

I like kissing people. Kissing is a really good feeling. I remember my first kiss with Alex. I was devastated. I wanted to keep the first kiss for someone special. And I didn't because I was drunk. Being drunk equals not saying no to a kiss, for me. I know this. And people know this. And that's bad. I don't want to be known from kissing random people in the clubs or at the house parties. I just don't want to be known as a slut. Because I'm not like this. It really hurt me when Caleb said I'm a horny bitch and a cunt. I really like him, but I'm not sure in what kind of way. I like when he's looking at me, while he's dancing. I like when he's letting me rest on his arm. I like when he kisses me. I like when he's asking me to kiss with him. I like how cute he's sometimes. I like the way he's talking with me, when no one is around. I like him. And I don't want him to think that I'm a slut or a horny bitch.

I know that when I'm drinking, slutty mode turns on. But I won't kiss with everyone then. I will make nasty jokes, maybe even promise to do something spicy, but I would never do any of this if I don't like the guy. I'm keeping it for special people. At the moment I don't even know what I feel. Because I'm not mad, upset or jelous. I think I'm just confused. And I almost had a panic attack. I knew it's coming, so I went out of Caleb's room and sat down on the stairway, trying to breath properly. After 10 minutes I was fine, but still couldn't breath normally so I just went back to my room, got naked and took shower. A lot of things are happening now and I just really wish it's Monday already. I want to go back home and have a break from all of this. From people. From friends. From being drunk most the times. I just really want to see my family, pets, friends, twins and Gosia and all these people I left in Poland for such a long time. I just need a rest. Too many things happened lately. I'm exhausted being a student. Student life is not that easy. I was forced to make a lot of choices too early in my opinion. 

My deepest fears

I have a lot of fears. Fear of death, drowning, being an alcohol addict, being unsuccessful, being alone, losing a friend... But my deepest fear is that I won't be able to have kids. It sounds crazy and weird. I'm only 19 years old and my deepest fear is being infertile. I know that I want kids. I want them so much, I can't wait to meet the right guy. It's a bit too early say that it's my maternal instinct, but every time I see kids I am imagining myself being a mother. Of course, it's mostly terrifying, but it's also something beautiful. But you need to find the right moment. I know that right now it's not the best time to have a baby. I just started studying at uni. I haven't met anyone worth my heart. My family have spend lot of money to let me study abroad. That's why I'm worried. The thing that I've done wasn't intercourse, but anyway he was there. For seconds, but he was. And now, sitting on my bed, writing this post, I hope that I actually got my period. That I don't have to go to NHS. That everything is fine. Deep inside I'm still worried. I mean, I will be delighted if I will find out that I'm pregnant. But not right now. Not with a random guy from Navy. Not in this way. But it can happen one day. It really can. I actually hope that this day will come not in 5 years, but maybe even less. The thought of waiting that long is making me sad. Kids are making me happy. They deserve my full love. And I know that one day I'll handle being a mom. I just need to be careful, because other way, I will have another fear. Getting pregnant while studying here. And I know I'm not this kind of girl, who will just do this with random guys. This time it was an exception. 

She wants the silence but fears the solitude