Birthday Boy

Dear Josh,

You entered my life bringing happiness and love. I never thought I will have someone like you in my life, who will make me feel loved, beautiful and respected. If someone would have told me one year ago, that I will meet amazing and handsome guy, who will love me as much as I love him, I wouldn't believe. But here we are, just couple weeks before I first met you last year. Thinking of all the things that led me to realising how I feel about you, makes me think that if even one of those things didn't happen, I wouldn't have been the luckiest girl right now. It may be stupid but I actually believe in destiny and I'm so glad our paths crossed and we started this amazing journey together. 

When we started to get to know each other in March I kinda thought we will stop talking after some time. But we talked every day. I remember waiting for you to get home so I can talk with you. I remember laying in my bed watching something, but then started thinking of things you were saying that made me laugh and laughing again. I remember all the shifts we had together, when we started being friends and how great it was working with you, getting to know you even more. And if somehow I would need to travel in time to this time, I wouldn't change a thing. Because that's what led us to this day. Your birthday.
I wish you all the best things! I want to make you happy everyday. I want to help you make your dreams come true. I want to support you in everything you do. And I will do all this things, because you don't even realise how much I love you and how happy I am to have you in my life. You're so smart, handsome, caring and amazing man. I'm the luckiest person alive to be the one who you love.

I love you,
forever, endlessly, unconditionally, infinitely.
Always.
Jagody,
Yoda,
Babushka,
Little Bebe,
Bloob,
Hot piece of Ass,

Jagoda.

His Eyes

Well that picture up here looks kinda scary and creepy. I just wanted to combine a lot of pictures of Yoshi's eyes, to look at it and not miss him that much. Now I miss him even more, because no pictures or video calls can show how his eyes are beautiful. How handsome he is and how such a big heart he has. I just really want to see him really soon. I didn't know I will miss him that much. I didn't know everything would be so great between us by now. Thinking about this last months I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life. With just one look, smile or word, he can make me feel happy. And that's amazing. That's what I always wanted when I was thinking what's missing in my life. I feel like it was a puzzle. And that just couple of elements were missing. He was the biggest one that's giving you the whole picture of a puzzle. I don't know if it's done yet. Maybe there are still missing elements, but there's still time to find them, or realise I already had them. I know, that by now it's enough for me. I'm happy. I have no worries and if I do he's here for me and I'm there for him.

EDIT. Well I just have realised that the puzzle thing can also refer to sex :| He fits me soooo good. Just like two puzzles!

22 days

 

I miss you. Everytime I wake up I want you to be next to me, so your pretty face would be the first thing I'll see in the morning. I thought going home will be great. But that was before anything started happening. Then I thought 5 weeks won't be enough to stay at home. Now I wish it was just 2 weeks, because I miss you so much already. I remember being on my way to the airport. I already missed you by then. I knew that 5 weeks of feeling kinda lonely is coming and I hated it, but couldn't do anything about it. And the fact that you miss me so much is making it a little bit easier. I'm happy. But not right now in Poland being so away from you Yoshi. I wish I could just go back, stare at you and your body, drown in your eyes, be suffocated by your lips, stroke your hair, back and hold your hands so I'll never let go of you. I wish it's only one more week to try everything we talked about. The thing that is making me feel even worse is that I have no intimacy here. No space just for myself, so I can talk with you for hours, while everyone else is sleeping. I want to see your face, your big beautiful smile and the look you're giving me when you stare at me. I wish I could be there for you, when you need me the most, when you feel sad or angry, or just when you want to hang out and do nothing. You need to be strong. I need to be strong. We managed to survive 2 weeks by now! And then once I'll come back I'll continue making you happy, because that's what you deserve for and what I want for you! 

Send love to Hulk! I know he misses me! Tell him I'll take care of him once I'll come back. I'll do you good. WAIT FOR IT!
Also - I think you stuck for good in my mind, as since last Wednesday, I dream about you every night. I stopped telling you, as I can't remember what the dreams were about. Not always at least. But they are all really good. It's almost like you are here with me all the time. 

I'm happy now

I was thinking lately about all bad or sad things that happened to me, starting with my grandma's death. Usually it's making me feel really depressed, but not this time. Something changed. I think it's because I'm really happy. Honestly and fully. I've spend a lot of time with Josh, which is always making me feel really happy, secured for some reason and most of all loved. The way he looks at me is magical. I felt like he's studying me and my body. He's so caring. I can't stop thinking about him, his touch, his eyes. About things he's saying or texting. I'm closing my eyes and I see it all again in my head. I can still feel his fingers. He's the best thing that happened to me. I don't even want to know how my life would have looked like without him. He's making everything easier and better. He helped me to go through April. He took my mind off the things I would have thought about all the time. I believe he's making me a better person. I'm so fucking happy to have him and I really won't let go of him that easily. And the thoughts about all the things that we can do... Can't wait for all of it. But for now I want to be supportive for him, because I'm sure it's really hard to go through this breakup. I'll wait as long as he needs me to wait for him to be ready. He's worth waiting. 

Overwhelming

I feel like lately I had a lot of these days, when I feel too many different things. But it's different than mood swings. When I have them, the emotions keep changing. Lately I noticed I feel a lot of different things at the same time, which is really overwhelming, because I can't really say how I feel. People keep asking Are you okay?, and I don't really know what to say. It's like I feel both happy and angry at the same time, or sad and cheerful. So I'm always trying to trick my own mind, by saying I'm good, or Okay. But the truth is I feel everything at the same moment. Maybe it's just because of April, being a hard time for me every year. Thinking about all things that happened, it keeps making me feel even more overwhelmed. There's one thing that helps me go through all of it. Talking with Josh is making me not to think about the past. With Nika as well, but lately I've been talking with her a little bit less. Sometimes I just think she doesn't really want to listen. But she's too nice to stop me. I don't feel sad about it, because I know that I can count on her, when I'll need her. The thing is - even when I talk about sad or upsetting things with Josh, it's not making me feel like shit. That's super weird and I think never happened to me before. He keeps my mind busy thinking about other things, even if they're confusing or difficult to deal with.

Florence released new single today and while I was opening the link to the video, I started crying and shaking. Why? Because I knew it's a closing of one era and an opening of another, and it's not about music. It's about my life and my past. Since she released her last album in 2015 my life changed dramatically. I had my ups and downs. Ups at the beginning, when I've seen hope for myself to be happy. I had loving friends, I forgot about my dark times and I was cheerful again. Then after one year everything changed again and I had more sad days since then. I've lost almost all my friends, I left Poland to start new life in UK, I became this whole new person, but I didn't know my life will change that much. Now I can see hope again for being happy. It's still hiding somewhere in the dark corner, waiting for me to reach it out. I know before my happiness wasn't lasting for long, but this time I believe it will stay with me. This new single actually made me feel even more overwhelmed. Can't really explain why.

And shit. It's 13th of Friday! I can bet something really bad will happen to me! Can't wait to deal with it as I still remain lion hearted girl!

Being loved

I don't know how it's possible, that my life is changing so often. And it's always a big change. This time I feel like my heart drifted away from me and attached to someone else. This someone else is Josh. I never thought it will end up like this. I feel the connection between two of us. We are talking everyday for couple of hours and even then we still have something to talk about. I love it. I feel like I can talk to him about everything and I know he feels the same. Everyone at work is getting jelous of our friendship. Nell and Wallace mostly. I don't even know what I feel right now, but things he's telling me are so warm for my heart. I feel like it's heating up again, to finally be able to love someone. But we have a problem. He has a girlfriend. They've been together for 6 years and I know it's a long time. So I'm confused what's going on. We are flirting for hours, trying to get to know each other even more. But I still have this thought in my head that it's not right, because he has Kayleigh. He's giving me signs that he likes me much more than he should, but I don't know what to do about it. I know for sure that if they won't be together anymore I would make a move. But for now I will just be the best friend he can actually have. Things he's saying are making me happy. Sometimes I can catch myself thinking about our conversations and just smiling, laughing or biting my lips. I'm glad I have him as a friend, but the problem is I think I will start having even stronger feelings for him. He did said that I seduced him. But what does it mean for him? If he will make a move I'll probably go for it. But then I know I will still be thinking about his girlfriend. Even though I feel like I'm being loved by him. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling.

I just don't understand why I'm always falling for guys who are not available? Is it my thing? I really believe he's my soulmate. But does he thinks the same? Don't know yet. He's caring and he's really listening to me. He's a giver, a carer and a sharer. He's perfect. So why he can't be single? Then I would finally put my feelings into someone who's actually available for me. I know in some way he's attracted to me. The way he's talking about me... It's magical. Like all my sorrows are going away immadiately. I don't want to listen to anyone else. Just him. And I know he loves talking to me. If I'll see that he's giving me hints he would like to try to start something with me, I won't do anything till he's with Kayleigh. It's just not right. Now it's hard not to make the wrong move.

Or he doesn't like me that much as I think and he just wants me for his threesome. Thinking about it on the seaside didn't helped me to figure it out. Maybe this will. But for now I won't make a move. Not until I will see a green light. I don't want to ruin this friendship. After all I can live with another friend who I truly love but can't be with, right? I just hope I won't be hurt. Or that he won't break me like Patryk did many years ago. But right now I think I can be fixed. Finally.

Death

I think I'll never be ready to talk about it. Not for real. I'm to fragile to say all this stuff out loud. It would break me. But I need to write down some of this. We will never be ready to die. At least not me. And I'm not ready for dead of the loved ones. We all know it needs to happen, but we don't want to think about it too much.

I don't want to think about it. I can't even write it down.

All I can say is... That I'm scared. And I'll totally break if I will write all this stuff down now.

I'm sorry. But I just can't. I want to be fine again. Find my way to go back to being happy all the time. So... No death talk for now.

Hopefully I will never finish this post.

Lust

I don't really know who I am anymore. For real. It's not Jagoda I used to be. I wasn't like this. But now I am like this. This week was a total nightmare for me. I almost didn't finished my assignement on time. I was stressed all the time. I couldn't really sleep. But since the last post a lot of things happened. They're all connected with the word lust. Because that's what my life is all about right now. My desires and attemption to complete them. It started with Jacob, but now it's not really about who it is. I don't really care if it will be Jacob again, or Caleb this time. I've spend almost half an hour talking with Jacob how much I need a dick and he said that as long as we live together he can't help, but can help find me a dick. But here comes Caleb, who actually asked me to do some stuff with him when we come back in 2018. All I need to do is to remind him this. It's not like he's no longer provoking me to do this. It's just he always picks not really a good time for it. On Sunday I've slept in Jacob's room. Waking up next to someone else was really good. I mean it was kinda cute, when I opened my eyes and have seen Jacob's face so close to mine. Yesterday I've slept in Caleb's room. After all-nighter the day before, I was so tired I've fallen asleep in 2 minutes when we started watching a film. They said I looked like I'm in peace so they left me like this. I almost slept in his room again today, but they woke me up. But that's good. I think since tuesday he was sleeping everyday with me or Nika, so it's better for him. Also I have to go to work tomorrow. Anyway, we haven't done anything. And that's good as well, because I don't really know what kind of feelings Nika is having for him. First I need to find out, then I can start being more confident with him and the thing we agreed to do. That's funny, because guys here see me as some kind of sex addict, when the truth is that I'm still a virgin. So. Funny.

The Kiss

I like kissing people. Kissing is a really good feeling. I remember my first kiss with Alex. I was devastated. I wanted to keep the first kiss for someone special. And I didn't because I was drunk. Being drunk equals not saying no to a kiss, for me. I know this. And people know this. And that's bad. I don't want to be known from kissing random people in the clubs or at the house parties. I just don't want to be known as a slut. Because I'm not like this. It really hurt me when Caleb said I'm a horny bitch and a cunt. I really like him, but I'm not sure in what kind of way. I like when he's looking at me, while he's dancing. I like when he's letting me rest on his arm. I like when he kisses me. I like when he's asking me to kiss with him. I like how cute he's sometimes. I like the way he's talking with me, when no one is around. I like him. And I don't want him to think that I'm a slut or a horny bitch.

I know that when I'm drinking, slutty mode turns on. But I won't kiss with everyone then. I will make nasty jokes, maybe even promise to do something spicy, but I would never do any of this if I don't like the guy. I'm keeping it for special people. At the moment I don't even know what I feel. Because I'm not mad, upset or jelous. I think I'm just confused. And I almost had a panic attack. I knew it's coming, so I went out of Caleb's room and sat down on the stairway, trying to breath properly. After 10 minutes I was fine, but still couldn't breath normally so I just went back to my room, got naked and took shower. A lot of things are happening now and I just really wish it's Monday already. I want to go back home and have a break from all of this. From people. From friends. From being drunk most the times. I just really want to see my family, pets, friends, twins and Gosia and all these people I left in Poland for such a long time. I just need a rest. Too many things happened lately. I'm exhausted being a student. Student life is not that easy. I was forced to make a lot of choices too early in my opinion. 

My deepest fears

I have a lot of fears. Fear of death, drowning, being an alcohol addict, being unsuccessful, being alone, losing a friend... But my deepest fear is that I won't be able to have kids. It sounds crazy and weird. I'm only 19 years old and my deepest fear is being infertile. I know that I want kids. I want them so much, I can't wait to meet the right guy. It's a bit too early say that it's my maternal instinct, but every time I see kids I am imagining myself being a mother. Of course, it's mostly terrifying, but it's also something beautiful. But you need to find the right moment. I know that right now it's not the best time to have a baby. I just started studying at uni. I haven't met anyone worth my heart. My family have spend lot of money to let me study abroad. That's why I'm worried. The thing that I've done wasn't intercourse, but anyway he was there. For seconds, but he was. And now, sitting on my bed, writing this post, I hope that I actually got my period. That I don't have to go to NHS. That everything is fine. Deep inside I'm still worried. I mean, I will be delighted if I will find out that I'm pregnant. But not right now. Not with a random guy from Navy. Not in this way. But it can happen one day. It really can. I actually hope that this day will come not in 5 years, but maybe even less. The thought of waiting that long is making me sad. Kids are making me happy. They deserve my full love. And I know that one day I'll handle being a mom. I just need to be careful, because other way, I will have another fear. Getting pregnant while studying here. And I know I'm not this kind of girl, who will just do this with random guys. This time it was an exception. 

She wants the silence but fears the solitude

Sex yeah

I was making mistakes before. I made bad decisions about boys and I always regreted it. Even when I thought I don't regret Jacob, I did. Deep inside I felt really bad. The day after I made this mistake, I couldn't eat at all. I couldn't think about anything else but my weird lifestyle I could only lay on the floor on my blanket, completely naked, listening to my sad playlist and most of all crying. Crying. Crying. Crying. All the time. For almost 3 hours, because I had to go to dinner. When I was broken deep inside, I kept sending snapchats to people. I was also texting Jacob, like nothing happened. When I told him, it wasn't a big deal for me, and it wasn't awkward at all, I lied. I lied but not to him. I lied to myself. I thought I can trick my own mind, saying and typing that it was fine. But is it really normal? To just start making out with a friend? With a guy that I've hated at the begining? I'm pretty sure it's not normal at all. I had problems with my sanity since than. Sudden panic attacks, breathing problems, stressing about everything, crying for couple of hours a day. I've spend a lot of time watching tv series and films. I thought it will make me busy and not to think about any of this. But I was wrong. I can't pretend that I'm alright when I'm not. But a lot changed since then. Jacob is a jerk, who just wants to fuck everything that moves. He's saddist. He really is. He took advantage of me and Nika when we were really drunk and unable to say no. And he knew this. But instead of respecting us, he just made decisions for us, without asking. And then he was pretending that he cares about us, which I'm not sure about. He hurt us anyway. I know what I've said about losing virginity with him, but I'm taking it back. It will be humiliating to do this with him. And inapropriate. I've told him a lot about my sex expactations, fears and doubts. But now everything changed.

I'm not proud of myself. I'm sure no one would be. Making out is okay. It's fun. It's nothing personal. But when it turns into something more I have doubts. I was making out with Italian guy, while Nika was making out with Craig. When we were going back home, Craig just grabbed me and started making out which was really weird, as he just kissed with Nika. I've told him I can't do anything with him, as I have a date with someone next day. But even when I said this three times, he kept trying. And I finally broke. We left Nika and Craig's friend and we walked away. We went to the beach where we continued making out. Then he just threw his jacket on the beach, wrapped his hands around my waist and laid me down. He unzipped my jeans, than panties and started giving me pleasure. One thing led to another and we both ended up naked on the beach panting in spasms. We didn't went full, but for me it was really memorable moment. It will stuck in my head for a long time. It was my first time for many things. BJ, HJ, 69, sperm. And I feel really bad only because of one thing. That I actually liked it and don't regret. I can't say I'm glad we did this, but I can't say it was a mistake. Right now I don't see it that way. Of course now the only one thing that stuck in my head is he's fucking beautiful dick, but also the thought that tomorrow I need to take care of my life and deal with it. And I'm glad I'm not alone with this. Because Weronika is going with me to NHS to ask for 'Morning After Pill'. I don't even feel bad saying outloud what I did. I don't feel ashamed. As long as they won't make any jokes. As long as I'm the only one person saying about it. As long as they don't gossip.
But hey, I actually almost banged with Navy guy! One guy less from the list! And he had a beautiful dick. For real.

Sadness

Being sad is nothing to be ashamed or worried about. Sadness is important in our life. Because after, it comes katharsis. I am sad right now, when I'm writing this around 4am. There are a lot of things that can make me sad. It's actually everything. Right now it's because I feel like my friend doesn't appreciate how much effort I'm putting into our friendship to make it normal after all the things that happened. He excluded me from our group and it hurt my feelings. I feel like he doesn't care at all. Like I'm losing him. Like he doesn't want to be my friend. And in my opinion there is nothing worse than thinking like this. But I'm not feeling like crying or having panic attack. I just feel sad. And I know it's okay. What bothers me is, why the hell I feel sad almost all the time? Since I'm here, I was sad more than I should be. I felt sad, when he didn't want to help me when I had my first panic attack ever. I felt sad, when Ana and Weronika told him that they know about this. I felt sad, when he was avoiding and ignoring me. I felt sad, when I found out that he lied to me again. I felt sad everytime I had a fight with my mum. I felt sad, when she told me, that her problem with back is something big and serious. I felt sad, when I've heard Silk, Don't Delete The Kisses and Blush live on Wolf Alice gig. I felt sad, when he actually deleted me from Snapchat. And I feel sad now, when he didn't thought about me, when he planned a Pub Quiz Night. I feel really sad, because I can't talk to him about this. Because it will make me look like I'm a drama queen. I feel sad, because everytime I think I'm fine again, something happens. Even a little thing. Like this one. I just want to know why my life is so complicated. Have I done something bad? Wrong? Inapropriate? I just really want to know. Is it me, or people around me? Maybe it's their fault, that my life is such a mess with ups and downs all the time. I feel sad about this as well. Because whatever I'll do, things will get worse. Like now. I was trying to be friendly at the begining of the week. I bought him polish sweets, because he's always buying everything for us. I made smoothie for all of us. And I feel like he still may think that it's weird or that I have feelings for him. I have feelings for him. Him, Ana, Weronika, even Shanna, Sophia and Jevi. They're my friends. And I love them because they're supportive sometimes. The thing is - he's a big enigma for me. One day he's caring, like the day when there was an accident on Oxford Street and he was worried about me. That made me think that he's a real friend to me. And now he's done this. It's not unforgettable. But it hurts. A lot. And it's not fine. It's not fair that I'm hurt almost all the time. It's not fair I'm the only one that is hurt. I don't wish them to feel what I feel right now, but it's not right for me, that I'm so vulnerable and they don't see how it affects me. It's okay that I'm sad. I know that I need this. But I wish I won't be sadder. Because I know how it will end. And I don't want to be in that dark place again, that I've been for a long time. I just wish things will get better. I just hope my shooting star wish will came true. I want my life to be normal easier again.

1:30pm I feel like crying right now. I almost had a panic attack while coughing at the lecture. I have bad thoughts. I'm getting closer to my dark side. I don't want to go there. I feel like I just want to get naked again, lay on the blanket on the floor and cry. It's really bad. And I can't talk to anyone about this, because I'm sure I will start crying. Maybe it's just because I'm tired after 15hours trip with Paul and not sleeping for 26hours by now. And its just the beginning. I'm afraid. I'm scared. And I don't know what to do.

I hope my body gets better. Do I mean my body, or my mind?

Anger

It's hard to piss me off for real. Since I started uni in Portsmouth, I was pissed off too many times. Mostly because of Jacob, Ana and Nika. That's strange how pissed off you can be, because of people you care the most. The thing is - it's not that hard to make me feel angry when I'm drunk. Then I'm never sure how I will respond. Sometimes I'm responding in rage - like I did when I've talked to Jacob. He was avoiding me. He didn't want to spend time with me alone. He didn't even talked to me. It pissed me off when he called me his bro. How you can be somebody's bro if they're not even talking to you? I talked to him about this. And now I'm glad. Because finally I've said things I wanted to say, but was to shy or uncomfortable to say. But sometimes the talk doesn't solve problems. Sometimes it's making things worse. And that time it almost got worse, but I made really good decision. I decided not to talk with Jacob about how he lied to me after we talked at night. I decided to live with this fact. Even when he said some stuff to Munir I decided to stay calm and don't feel angry at him. I won't change him or his actions. I just really don't want to screw another relationship. I don't want Jacob to be my next Patryk. I don't want to be hurt like I was after we ended our friendship. It was the worst feeling ever. I don't want to act like nothing happened and I'm okay with lying behind my back and gossiping. I just want to be normal. Not make a deal from everything. I don't want to be drama queen. I won't say You're mean. I will stop making this angry eyes at him or girls. I will try not to bother about things like this. I won't pretend if things will get worse. It will kill me. But I can't make a big deal from everything. After threee months of living here with these people I know who I can trust or not. The funny thing is I can't trust my closest friends. Not entirely. That sucks. And it's unhealthy. But I have other friends to trust. Paula is one of them. Shanna, Sophia and Jevi as well. I can talk with them about everything. 

H(e)llow

Let's start with the fact, that I was bored, so I decided to start writing about stuff that I'm thinking about almost every night. Maybe this will help with my sleeping problems. Or maybe it's just another mistake, but I don't know it yet. No one will have access to this blog. Just me. They will know, that I have it, but they will never see it. After my dead body. I just need a safe place to write, think and make mistakes. The only one person that I truly trust will see it. Me.

About Florence

You don't have to understand me. You don't have to agree with me. I just want to explain why I'm so crazy about some ginger singer.
She looks a little bit like man, doesn't she? Is she beautiful? No? Imagine it's you. That people say you look like a man even if you're a woman. How would you feel, knowing that no-one is attracted to you, because of your appearance. I'd felt pretty bad. Sad. Unloved. Alone. She did. Not because of her appearance. Your appearance shouldn't be the reason of your misery.

Depression hit me first, when my grandma died one day before my 12th birthday. But anyway I was always really cheerful, funny and charismatic. I shut down all my feelings and I hadn't cried for almost 3 years. I thought it's nothing. But then our friend's dad died. We went to his funeral. I am really creative and my imagination sometimes scares me. In one second I imagined that in the coffin, there's my dad. Or mum. Or my grandma again. I started crying. And I cried for three hours. I was broken. Totally. I didn't know how to walk, talk or think. I was just crying. It was just the beginning of this very long, truly depressive journey. 

When I was 14 year old I fell in love with my friend. I was hiding my feelings, because I didn't want to ruin everything. But he found out anyway. And he left me. Disappeared from my life. A boy, who meant everything to me. In my heart, there was only a place for him. No-one else. Even if I had another friend, she wasn't him. I was really sad, alone and I felt abandoned. He left me when I needed him the most, because my whole life was falling apart. Of course he didn't know. In October 2014 I almost jump off the cliff and slit my wrists. Almost, because I only thought about making one more step, or taking the knife. These thoughts were with me for a long time. And then he came back. But still, I felt bad and sad. Again, he didn't knew. I thought I don't love him anymore, because of what he did. But even then I couldn't resist his charm. He used it against me. It was just a game. He was putting his hand on my lap, and asking higher or lower? His touch was burning my skin but I couldn't resist to say higher. And I did so. I've never been brave or bold. Shy and innocent? Yes. So I finally said stop. We were doing this in the bus. It was just a game. I thought I like this, but then he texted me to play it again with sending pictures. I didn't want to be shy anymore, so I agreed. We played till I showed him my pussy, and he showed me his penis. I thought it will change something in our relationship. Maybe that's why I was doing it. And not even one week later he was threatening me to show this pictures to everyone. I was so scared of being called a slut or a whore. I was living in fear for almost half a year, till we finished middle school. In pretty the same time Florence + The Machine had their concert in Poland. I couldn't been there, but I was watching it on live stream. I knew her before, but because of all that happened to me that year, I started listening to her more then ever. I finally had a chance to start again. Florence helped me with her music to understand my sadness, depression and mood swings. She cured me. She saved me. When I was going through her lyrics, it was like reading about your own life. U